Exit our hero stage right...

Sorry it's been so long since I last posted. Many things have occurred and changed. Many things have stayed the same. Cap'n Butler has resigned his position as White Knight and now sits among the ranks of friends.

D2 tried to make a comeback. Or rather, I asked D2 to make a comeback. That was a sad mistake. For reasons that I can't go into, D2 is not in a position to make a comeback in that way. I cannot even begin to write my feelings about this, because I don't as yet know what they are. So, we'll just change the subject.

The situation with D2 coming so quickly on the heels of the situation with Cap'n Butler forced me to take a long, hard look at myself from another perspective. What I saw was a little shocking at first, but I'm slowly becoming re-aquainted with myself. More than anything, I feel like I've been letting myself down and letting others down left and right.

Dr. E. continues to have very high standards for herself and for her students. She has told me more than once this semester that I am not living up to those high standards. (In the kindest way possible of course.) Her position on the "Pedastal of Honor" in my mind makes it that much harder to hear this criticism from her. But I try to take it with a good attitude, knowing that if she didn't care about me, she wouldn't say anything. But the words, "I'm holding you to a higher standard than everyone else because I see the great potential and passion in you" only carry so far when I feel like I've been giving her the best I have to give.

True, my current best is not what my best has been in the past. My time and mental resources are at this point stretched to the breaking point. A person can't possibly be expected to give 100% in 100% of the areas in her life. I mean seriously, I'm only one person.

But I greatly admire Dr. E. So, what am I going to do? Do better work. Even if it kills me. (And it might.)

In other news, Little Sister is now married. How did I find out? Her name changed on Facebook. I've talked very little to my family in the past weeks. That's all I really have to say about that.

The Return of Cap'n Butler

As I sit down to write this, I find my words dwarfed by the magnitude of what I want to say. Cap’n Butler rode back into my life on his white charger Friday night. And in one fell swoop, he captured my heart all over again. I had put my feelings for him on the back burner because I didn’t think there was any way for us to be together. I tried to forget those feelings, and recently I tried to forget him all together.

But my entire life was changed in one night. How can all the problems of the past year, all the heart ache be healed in one night? Is pure love really that powerful? I don’t have all the answers. All I know is that he loves me. Cap’n Butler loves me and because of that, my life will never be the same again. Suddenly all the love songs ever written have meaning for me.

I can't fight this feeling any longer...

I have discovered that I'm not invincible. I have limitations. I don't have magical powers. I'm a strange little human girl who's just trying to get through her last semester of undergrad. But I am convinced that it's going to kill me. They will have to push my coffin across the graduation stage.

Despite the loud screaming voices in my head that are telling me to slow down and eat this elephant one bite at a time, I feel this drive to do more, be better (the best in fact), to make grand impressions on professors and administrators across campus. Not sure where this insane ambition is coming from, but I can't seem to reign this pony in.

Much as I love Dr. E., I'm highly intimdated by her. I feel like I have to impress her all the time. It's not good enough to just be myself. I have to be the best. And frankly it's exhausting. It's not because of any expectations she's put on me. She's great. I've put these expectations on myself.

Maybe all of this is just a distraction so my mind doesn't have to focus on my real obsession. There are certain thoughts that won't stop nagging at my mind. Certain scenarios play themselves over and over again like a CD on repeat. And to avoid that, I run around like a looney, keeping myself so insanely busy that I don't have the time or the energy to think about anything else.

I don't have any solutions today. Just the rantings of a mad woman. I thank you for reading.

Thoughts

As I embark on the last semester of my undergrad studies, I find that I am thoughtful. There is much that I must accomplish in this final semester. Major goals that I have set for myself. I see the end of this long journey staring me straight in the face. And I find myself asking what I've learned in the past six years. Six years I've been in college.

I find it hard to put what I have learned into words. (Which is ironic since I am an English: Cretive Writing major.)

I seek new knowledge. As thankful as I am for all of my experiences over the past six years, I am not finished. I need more.

So, on to the master's program after this, and then to the doctorate. And on and on.

What is education really worth? It's nothing if not used for good. It is worthless if a person's soul has not grown in the process of gaining secular knowledge.

Perhaps I am just rambling. I look forward eagerly to this semester and other learning experiences to come. I've missed my school friends, my professors, mentors, and routine. And so tomorrow begins the last leg of this part of my journey. I can't believe I made it.

For Auld Lang Signe

Happy New Year everybody! Let's make it a good one and better than the last.

On the eleventh and twelfth days of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Eleven and twelve flights escaping, ten forks a-sticking, nine faces punching, eight stupid fights, seven hours of nothing, six kiddie snuggles, FIVE VALIUM PILLS, four purple hickies, three strange boys, two Ruthian friends, and a nap underneath the Christmas tree.

Sorry I was a slacker on the whole twelve days of Christmas thing, I've been a little busy playing referee. This hasn't been the happiest of Christmases for me, but then I try to think of what I have to be thankful for. I did at least have Christmas dinner with my family (such as it was), there was turkey and pie and goodies. I'm in a house with a roof over my head. I have time with my miece and nephews. And I've gotten lots of sleep.

I can be thankful for those things, and try to overlook all the horrors that were this Christmas holiday. I can be thankful for the fact that I have a home and wonderful friends to go back to in Utah. I can be thankful for anti-anxiety medication. And most of all, I can be thankful that our Savior came to Earth 2009 years ago to save us all. So, Merry Christmas a day late.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Ten forks a-sticking, nine faces punched, eight stupid fights, seven hours of nothing, six kiddie snuggles, FIVE VALIUM PILLS, four purple hickies, three strange boys, two Ruthian friends, and a nap underneath the Christmas tree.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Nine faces punched, eight stupid fights, seven hours of nothing, six kiddie snuggles, FIVE VALIUM PILLS, four purple hickies, three stange boys, two Ruthian friends, and a nap underneath the Christmas tree.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Eight stupid fights, seven hours of nothing, six kiddie snuggles, five valium pills, four purple hickies, three strange boys, two Ruthian friends, and a nap underneath the Christmas tree.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Seven hours of nothing, six kiddie snuggles, five valium pills, four purple hickies, three strange boys, two Ruthian friends, and a nap underneath the Christmas tree.

"You can't go to sleep Ra Ra, it's only five o'clock."

"Sure I can. That's the beauty of Christmas vacation...I can sleep any time I want."