It's Finally Here!!!!!!!

I have been chastised for not posting, so here's a short one.

So, today is the first release publication party for the Epiphany Literary Journal of which I am the founding editor. I never thought this day would come. It was just a crazy idea I had back in the spring. And here I am ready to receive some of the "big-wigs" on campus and show off what I and my staff have done. It's insane. I guess I've always kind of thought that I was not really good at the follow through. But maybe things have changed.

Back in time

Have you ever said something thoughtless and the second it was out of your mouth you wished you could sneeze yourself back into the previous second so you wouldn't say the stupid thoughtless thing? Yeah, that was me last night.

I said something to one of my favorite people in the whole world. It hurt her and I really didn't mean to. What pisses me off is that it's something that I get mad at people for saying to me, then I did it to her. She called me stressed out and feeling kind of overwhelmed. As her friend, I should have made things better, but I just made them worse. Boo!

Solution: I have cut out my tongue and I'm sending it to her in the mail...don't judge me. I'm sending it on ice of course. Geez!

What a dream!

I'm always amazed how quickly God responds when we make good decisions and how the blessings far outweigh our meager efforts.

So, the past few weeks I was having some spirituality issues. Nothing major. I just wasn't feeling it really. So, over the weekend, I had a sit down chat with myself about my level of commitment. I realized what I needed to work on to get back on track. And it was like immediately the heavens opened.

I found out that Giggly will be here for New Year's. That in and of itself would be fantastic. But wait, there's more. If you call right now, you can get not one but two...oh, sorry. I forgot where I was for a second.

Yesterday I spent a fantabulous day with my fabtastic cousins. They always have a way of making me feel good about myself. But that still wasn't it. Wait for it.

I went to the rheumatologist today. It was my first appointment with him. So, here's the BIG news: I do NOT have rheumatoid arthritis or lupus or any other immune disorder. Overall, I'm very healthy. Can you beat that?!!!! I've been thinking I had this awful disease for months. Turns out, the blodd test was a false positive and I just have hypermobility in my joints and flat feet. So, a little strength training, and some good shoes, and I'll be back to normal. I can start running again!!!! I'm flying high right now and can't even write anything clever or funny. I'm just so unbelievably happy. I feel like someone just handed me my life back. What a blessing!

Dear So and So...Again

Dear graduation, could you just happen without any effort from me? That'd be great.

Dear weather, I haven't had enough fall, so I'm going to need you to hang out in fall weather and not switch to winter yet. As per our agreement, page 56, paragraph 3, sub-section 18.

Dear boys, you suck.

Dear Dr. E., thanks for being supercalifragilisticexpealidocious.

Dear Epiphany, I want to make out with you because you are just that awesome. So, let's schedule that. I am free next Friday. I may even buy you dinner before the make out session.

Dear Deborah Kerr, thanks for making such awesome movies that ring the tears from my eyes.

Dear Scary Man who is in love with me, no I WON'T go out with you. And can you please stop stalking me? You may want to work on not speaking in a scary whisper voice if you expect girls to go out with you in the future.

Dear novel, the honeymoon has been grand. I'm loving being married to you. I know we haven't reached our first anniversary yet, but I'm already planning a huge anniversary party. You can expect roses.

Dear Everyone Who Reads this silly blog, I love your guts.

Cartoon wisdom

Isn't it funny when a cartoon says exactly what you're feeling? Here's today's feelings as stated by Disney's The Reluctant Dragon:

"Poor ltitle upside down cake, cares and woes, you've got'em.

Because little upside down cake, your top is on your bottom.

Yes, little upside down cake, your troubles never stop.

Because little upside down cake, your bottom's on your top."

I'm a Writer

Sorry, I've been neglecting you guys. I'm writing so many pages of fiction and personal essays every single day that sometimes I forget about the blog.

Here's the run down. Took the GRE this past weekend. It was hell; I hyperventilated and almost broke out in hives with the stress of it. Between driving in a big city and in construction and having to take the exam (that is COMPLETELY ANYLITICAL) in unfamiliar surroundings, it was almost too much. More than once during the course of the day, I questioned how much I really want to go to grad school. But it's over and done now. I'm pretty sure that my scores were good enough to get me into the Master of English program here at my school next year. So, one step closer to grad school. Yay!

My whole life lately has been about writing. Writing, writing, and more writing. And I absolutely love it. I love saying the words, "I'm a writer, and I'm currently working on a novel." It makes me happy. While I will probably look back on this semester as one that pushed and pulled and molded me and was completely stressful, I will also look back on it as one of the best since I came to this school. I can't remember when I've learned more in a shorter amount of time. It's almost overwhelming, but not quite.

I love my interaction with my peers and my professors, especially Dr. E. She's so completely amazing. I've started working with her once a week on the novel and other writings, and it is a thrilling experience. She looks at me every week and tells me that I'm a good writer and then says, "Now let's make you a better writer." I LOVE it. And it completely humbles me that this brilliant woman who has lived an amazing life and been published herself is actually taking time out of her busy schedule to help me become a better writer. What a dream.

Well, I have new pages due on Thursday, so I better get crackin'.

"All the Wasted Time"

I can't stop listening to the song "All the Wasted Time" from the musical Parade by Jason Robert Brown. It is one of the most beautiful and heart breaking songs I've ever heard. Beyond that, though, I am feeling it on a deeper level than I've felt it before.

There is something so tragic about being in love with someone that you can't be with for one reason or another, and /or not being able to tell that person how you feel. To feel your heart connected to another human being on a deep and intimate level, and still having an imposed separation on the two of you. How can a heart take that kind of torture and yet still keep beating?

At times I feel my heart will explode with the strain of it, or beat its way out of the confines of my chest. It makes me so angry to think of time being wasted, time that could have been spent with the person I love.

"All the wasted time. All the million hours. Pushing you away. Building up my wall. All the days gone by. To glare to pout, to push you out. And I never knew anything at all."

I'm writing on my blog instead of writing "the real story"

So, I had a meeting with my professor this morning. We will call her Dr. E. She had read the first chapter of my novel. I was very proud of this chapter. My classmates had raved about it, and couldn't find anything wrong with it. I was comfortable in that. But deep down, I sensed there was something wrong with it, but I couldn't for the life of me figure out what it was. So, I scheduled a meeting with Dr. E.

Dr. E. is a proper little British lady. She is teaching two of classes, and I absolutely adore her. She's kind, but she tells it like it is. I know this. So, why I was shocked by what she said, I cannot fathom. She said I was afraid and that I was avoiding writing the real story.

She was right, but not in the way that she thought. I've actually had at least three people tell me this week that I am afraid of who I am and that I live in a bubble, not letting anyone near me. So, I had good long, hard look at myself today. I've had long, long, long talks with people who care about me to try to figure this thing out. And I think I have. I'm not afraid anymore. I'm going to write the story that I want to write, not the story that other people want me to write. People keep trying to force me to add elements that would absolutely kill the story. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint, but this is my story. Thanks, for playing, though.

Bottom line: I love myself, I love my friends, I love God. Nothing can change or taint any of those relationships.

"You like me, you really like me"

Looking within yourself and liking what you see, why is that such an elusive blessing? I've had occasion to ponder that question lately. In my own life, it comes and goes. There are days when I am confident and sure of myself, and days when I am sure that I am the biggest loser on the planet and everyone knows it. For the most part, the good days outnumber the bad, more and more recently.

But I was talking with Cap'n Butler the past few days, and I have come to the sad conclusion that he has fundamental self-esteem and, therefore, anxiety problems that I simoply can't help him with. As hard as I may try to build him up and tell him how wonderful he really is (these are not false flatteries, but truly how I feel), he is determined to see himself through crap colored glasses. It is frustrating and painful to watch someone you care about destroy himself from the inside out.

As the wise BFITWWW, Jay Jay the Jet Plane, told me last night, "Sometimes all you can do is pray for them." She reminded me of how bad off I was once, and how afraid she was for me. It got to the point where I wouldn't listen to anything she had to say, and I was steadily destroying my life. I had to learn the hard lessons in the refiner's fire of trial and error. But thankfully, God helped me find my way out. I hope with all my heart that will be true for Cap'n Butler as well.

I do believe in miracles. I've seen evidence of them in my life and in the lives of others as recently as this weekend. So, maybe some day down the road, Cap'n Butler will be able to like himself.

Answers

So, I was not having good days yesterday or today. I was very emotional, and just generally feeling like a loser. Then at work, today, a student came in to meet with me and see if I could help her with this problem she was having in school. She had been to a bunch of other departments, and people were just giving her the run-around. She didn't feel validated at all. So, I listened to her problem, then calmly walked her through all the steps of solving her problem. It was no more or less than I would have done for any student. But when she left she was almost in tears. She and her fiancé told me that they had prayed in the car before coming into the university that they would find someone to help them solve their problem. They told me I was the answer to their prayers. I got tears in my eyes when they told me that. With the kinds of days I've been having, those simple words were the answer to my prayers. (Now everybody say, "Awww!")